A couple of years after Patrick and I were married as I explained above, I started having health issues and increased pain in my pelvic area. When the pain became too much to bare I scheduled an appointment with my Doctor. She was unable to determine it’s cause and sent me to see an OBGYN. After discussing my symptoms and not being able to even do an examine without extreme pain and bleeding, she scheduled me for surgery the very next morning.
After surgery and my test results I was diagnosed with PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This is a very common condition among women of childbearing age and can greatly differ in it’s severity. Along with the syndrome can come the conditions of thyroid disease, insulin resistances or type 2 diabetes and endometriosis. Not all women display such chronic conditions in addition to PCOS but I was the lucky recipient of all three. All these things factoring together I was advised that it would be extremely difficult for me to ever become pregnant but not totally ruled out. They removed several fibroid tumors and a large amount of endometriosis and scar tissue while they were operating in hopes that it would free up my ovaries for conception. A dye test showed that my ovaries and tubes were open and flowing naturally after surgery. My biggest fear when I was starting to wake up from anesthesia was that they were not going to be able to save my ovaries and have to do a total hysterectomy because this was a strong possibility. The nurse told Patrick that I just kept asking over and over, “Can I still have babies, can I still have babies?” She kept reassuring me that everything was okay but I still kept asking everyone.
I was placed on about ten different meds and went through several thousands of dollars of treatments to help in our chances of pregnancy. Every month was like experiencing a death and many hopes and dreams crushed. I would sit in our little bedroom of hope and pray that this would be the one, this would be our time to experience the sweet joy that a baby would bring. Only to be heartbroken once again.
During these years, yes years! It was very difficult for my sweet husband, knowing that there was truly nothing he could do to fix this. He is a fixer a solver. If something needs to be done he is the first to jump in and do it. He tried to convince me and himself that we would be just fine, we could travel the world and do things people with kids weren’t able to do. It was going to be a sweet carefree life with just the two of us doing whatever we wanted, allowing God to take us to the ends of the Earth. However, this was not my dream not my hearts desire. I wanted to be tied down to life, stuck at home staring at a beautiful bundle of joy! I wanted this just about more than anything.
|We loved to do mission work and travel, this is in Costa Rica|
It was becoming so difficult every time I saw a Mother and her child. I was finding it hard to keep a smile on my face whenever someone would share their joyous news with me about their addition that was on the way. Don’t get me wrong, I was still so happy for them and loved each one of the beautiful babies that came into my life. I just longed to feel this blessing for myself, I wanted so desperately to be the one to share my joyous news.
We would struggle and suffer in our lives for five more years. A total of seven years that I would live with longing and pains in my heart so bad that I thought it would kill me at times. It was a very difficult time and test in patience. Somehow and only through Grace I knew that one day I would be a Momma, I clung to this. I knew and had extreme Faith in all that we were going through but it still hurt immensely to have to wait for so long. But be assured that no matter what, God is working on it. No matter what His answer; Yes, No or Not Now. He is working it all out to His Glory and good for those that trust and believe in Him.
And we have known that to those loving God all things do work together for good, to those who are called according to purpose; Romans 8:28
God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful. 1 Cor. 1:9
In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will,… Ephesians 1:11